Monthly Archives: January 2012


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder the saying goes. So why not change what we behold?

Growing up, I looked at women with different eyes than the men I encountered. I was attracted to the kind words, the soft touch, the gentleness and love towards children and old ones, the way they were different than I was, the mystery, the way they saw what I couldn’t, the way they stood, they way they spoke, all the things that make a woman. I found those things beautiful.

I noticed, but never really dwelled on how small their waist was, if their butt wiggled when they walked, how thick their eye lashes were, what shape their eyebrows were, what style their hair was, if they wore nail polish, or makeup.

As I grew older, I fell into noticing these things, because for one, other men did, and for another, women would ask what I thought about it.

I have recently in the last few years began a reversion. Where I see the beauty I saw before, and couldn’t care less about the other.

A woman with a “plain” face uncovered by make up, is beautiful to me.

The wrinkles of a grandmother caused by laughter and worry are beautiful to me.

Jet black hair, red curly hair, blonde straight hair, black tight curls, are all beautiful to me, because they are who that woman is.

A woman who dresses to show off everything doesn’t appeal to me, but a woman who respects herself and her body is beauty beyond measure.

A woman with a newborn, glowing with the joy of creating a life, looking on her little one with love. There is nothing more beautiful.

What do your eyes behold?

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Where do the roots of your personality lie? Think of your actions, your emotions, your thoughts. Where do they originate? Think of the choices you have made, why you made them.

Were all your choices what you picked up in society, what you were taught by your parents, what you learned through your own experiences, or was there more to them than all these?

Certainly much we think comes from what we are taught, either by our environment, or our experiences. But what about what we feel?

An infant can be happy, sad, angry, jealous, mischievous, tricky, playful, content, worried, awestruck, confused, loving.

An infant or a child will many times cry if around or picked up by someone with a bad heart, but will calm and sleep if around someone with a good heart, how do they know?

The heart can be bright, or it can be dark. A half moon if measured by the amount that is lit by the sun. All the phases of the moon are measured by the amount lit, no light is considered no moon.

Why didn’t the tribes all over the world measure by the darkness of the moon?

Why did the various people make ceremonies and/or prayers based on the sunrise?

Why is our sleep naturally aligned with the light of day, instead of the dark of night?

Why do our eyes measure the light of day, instead of infrared?

Why do our bodies respond negatively to darkness of the heart?

Why will people spend so much time making excuses for harm they bring to others?

Why will people convince themselves that something is good for them, that it makes them happy?

Where are your people from, what did the world we see mean to them?

Why must everyone be Christian, why can’t they be something else?

Why must any new thing come from an old one?

Why can’t a beginning BE a beginning, instead of an extension or adjustment of what is currently?

Why do so many see a mask, and think it’s change?

Why can’t babies teach adults how to change?

Why are babies considered ignorant when they know when they are happy and when they aren’t?

Why do academics respect the sacredness of a wife, but ignore the sacredness of our ways?

Why is a spousal union worthy of more law than the happiness of that union?

Why is growing old scary to the point of hiding it?

Why are rotten grapes better when aged, yet people are worse when aged?

Why is old age past the prime of life, instead of BEING the prime of life?

Why does a seed grow into a tree, yet a baby grows away from the knowledge they were born with?

If we have to collect knowledge through the years for our minds to understand, how is it the heart knows? Where is the heart rooted? Where is YOUR heart rooted? In the darkness, or in the light?

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I picked up various things from my father, some good, some bad. When I was younger, I wanted to eliminate every part of my father from my actions, thinking that even one part would turn me into him. I learned over the years that was a foolish idea, and that a bad thing can be turned good, if used properly.

An axe can chop wood to provide warmth, but the that same axe could murder your family, it all depends on the usage.

My father had utter devotion, but it was only to the church. I picked up that devotion from him, but I learned that what you devote yourself to can be harmful to those around you. So now I carefully examine what I devote myself to, and I do not devote myself utterly to one thing, but I try and spread it out. My family, my people, language, living a good life, being a good person, treating others well. These things I try to do to the best of my ability.

One thing I picked up from him was the possibility of great anger. When I was 15, my brother was teasing me, and I asked him to stop, then told him to stop, then I turned on him. The memory of this is one of the strangest I have, because at the time, I “blacked out”, and that was all I knew. Looking at this closely through the years, I recall that I “stepped back” away from myself. The anger I had built up over the years was so great, when let loose it took control of me. My arms swung, hitting him over and over, while I watched from the background unbelieving and shocked. When the anger I had built up had passed I regained control and stopped. The look on his face was something like utter shock. Luckily I did not hurt him other than a few bruises.

He told me later that I had a look on my face that was just like our father had when he would “go crazy” and start beating us.

That moment was a turning point for me. I decided with all the strength I had, I would never do that again, I was not going to become my father. So I set out to understand what triggered this act, and how to keep it from happening again.

What I learned, and this took many years and many confrontations, is that anger comes and goes. If you block that flow it will make a ball inside, like little mines, the more of these mines you have and the older they are, the more fragile and sensitive they get. In turn, your emotional state will react to this. If you are like me, and do not want to hurt another person, you will form a path through the mine field you walk every time you confront someone. If you are a person that doesn’t care if you hurt another person, you will get pushed into these mines because of words or actions you somehow relate to these mines, and these triggers will set off these mines, resulting in explosive anger.

A woman once described these to me as springs, and this would also be a very good description. A spring under tension, like a mouse trap.

I want to also clarify, that besides these mines, there are things that bring about a righteous anger. Things like a woman, child, or Elder being abused, disrespect of various forms, theft, murder, these things bring about an anger that seems directly related, in my view, to justice. If justice for these abhorrent acts is promised and fulfilled, that anger is satiated. If it is not, that anger will continue until justice is delivered, or you give up on justice being exacted.

Until that justice is delivered, anytime you are reminded of the injustice, the anger will return as fresh as the first time you experienced it. Unless you move away from requiring justice, the farther away you move from the requirement, the less the anger will be.

Now, back to the mines. These do not come from righteous anger, they come from misunderstandings, disallowance of differences, old grudges, etc., that you do not let go of, or work through.

These mines don’t care where their origins lie, or with whom, they will explode on anyone. It is each persons responsibility to keep this from happening.

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What makes you happy? Seems like a simple question right? Yet so many are unhappy. Why do you think that is?

When I was younger, I tried to help people with what made them happy. Only to see them be happy for a short time, and revert back to the anger, sadness, depression, etc., that made me look closer at what happiness really is. In doing that, I looked at what brought that bright warm feeling into my heart and made it stay there, and tried to see that in others. Of course what made me happy didn’t apply across the board, but true happiness can be across the board in many ways.

I looked at how I felt when I bought something useful, when I bought an impulse buy, when a pretty girl flirted with me, when a good man saw good in me, when grandparents were proud of me, when I made something with my own two hands and skill, when I ate a food that tasted really good, when I drank pure water, when I sat and listened to the old ones telling stories.

I put all these together because as I understood when I was younger, they all caused happiness of some sort. What I realized as I grew up was some things fulfill a want, stroke your ego, play on an insecurity, these things do not bring happiness, but they do provide a strange form of release.

This release, in the feeling of it, is not unlike sexual climax for that alone, no good emotion associated with it. I chased after this for a few years, some of the darkest years of my life. I’ve been in extreme emotional pain, great physical pain, but that is a part of life, and not a darkness like you bring on yourself when you pursue the satisfaction of the moment.

I’m watching my newest niece sleep. I was trying my special uncle way to get her to burp earlier and was enjoying her smile, me making noises and watching her furrow her brow in concentration, then her little mouth moving trying to figure it out. She’s two months old, her little smile is happiness. It fills me up, and overflows, for lack of a better description.

This happiness is a gift. Nothing can replace the inner peace and utter joy a little one brings. When I was around grandmothers who were good women, there was another equal joy and peace they brought, the same with one of my grandfathers.

There are so many things in this life that bring happiness I have never experienced. But what I have experienced is that true happiness is given by others through our good actions towards them. True happiness also comes from us accepting the good things that come, like a newborn baby.

I would like to hear from others on what brings them true happiness. Even the smallest things like watching a hawk fly, or a rabbit eat a clover flower, or the way the sky changes colors as the sun rises and sets.

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Of all the things working against the people no matter what nation, one of the major things, is fear.

As a boy things happened to me that made me learn how to deal with fear. I had to learn how to overcome it, not just continually fight it, but how to not allow it to appear in the first place.

Growing up knowing this, I saw in others how their fear will effect them. Even I, having learned so much early on, continually saw things that brought an irrational fear. It taught me that no matter how much you know, you will always encounter new things.

As I began dating not knowing how to be good around women, as in respect for them, learning about them, seeing they are different and learning to accept that, and not understanding that seemingly good people can do hurtful things and not fully realize it, I got burned by women, trying to learn, understand, figure out how I was supposed to act, and find a woman that matched me.

I realize now that I hurt the women as much as they hurt me at times, and just as I did not mean to hurt them, many times they did not mean to hurt me.

But this hurt built a larger and more extensive “fortress” to protect me from getting hurt. Realizing this in myself I could see this in the women I had dated.

This defense led to a fear, that fear led to making up problems. Seeing troubles where none existed, seeing hurtful actions when she made an innocent mistake.

Holding onto these hurts, stresses, etc., was described to me as carrying stones. More weight added to you than you need to carry. It is a very accurate description.

But relationships are just one small aspect. Protecting is another aspect. Growing up I would see others, or get into situations myself that taught me what the laws were, I would also read up on the laws as best as I could understand for the particular place I was living at the time.

In learning these laws, and trying to conform to them, I came to understand that they are extremely restrictive for those that follow the law, yet extremely lenient for those that break the law.

Talking to men and women, I could see their non-confidence in the law protecting them and their families. I could see in myself as well as others, that this non-confidence, coupled with the restrictions gave man and women both a helpless feeling. Where if a wrong was done to them, the person might get caught, might not, but even if they did, thy would serve a few years or months in jail, then be out to do it again.

These all added together create a fear. A rational fear but an unresolved fear as well. That leads to irrational thoughts and feelings. A cat bumps a window climbing on the window sill, and it’s someone there to break in.

Crime isn’t punished to the extent it needs to be to stop recurrence. When a man feels a need to protect his family, but has to delegate that protection to another, in his heart, he loses a large piece of who he is, he is delegating the responsibility to his family to a total stranger. That creates a detachment from his responsibilities, and will bleed over into other things. But it also creates a worry that his family will not be protected, that worry can and usually does at some point, lead to fear.

Many women still look to the men around them to provide protection. I have seen women deny this, but then shortly after do that very thing. I see nothing wrong with it, as long as it doesn’t become a crutch, or something that gives away their freedom or strength.

Being raised in a Christian environment, I was taught to fear creator, the love of creator was taught, but it was done so in a way that suggested the love was conditional. It was also taught that causing fear was a good thing. Putting the fear of god into someone is a good example of this.

Using fear to get anything done among your community is no way to go about things. If someone comes to hurt someone and you need to protect your own, I think making them fear would be applicable. Our old ways used extreme punishments according to this society. But they worked. Apparently the laws now aren’t working, as anyone can see.

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The Illusionati

In a recent post to his blog, rezinate spoke up about a cancer killing the nations. It isn’t a cancer that can be removed through surgery, killed off through radiation, or done away with in any other way common to bodily cancers. This cancer is a cancer of thought. A way of thinking that eats away the life of whatever it touches. There aren’t words I know clear enough to express the pride I have in him for what he said, or the respect I have for him to stand strong against this ever pressing tide, but I can say I’m honored to call him brother.

I try to speak from my own experiences, and mine are much different that rezinates, but I do have experiences related to things he spoke of. I thought if I shared my stories, maybe others would see a part of it in themselves and have an easier time, or see a clearer path.

I’m going to state my views and opinions, and they will make some reading this very mad, and I welcome any to respond.

I was raised in a Christian environment, my father was a preacher. I am not now, and will never be a Christian, though i do think there are many good lessons in the bible. In learning these stories though children pick up certain ways of thinking. That a person (as small children don’t grasp the “god is man” concept) can walk on water, or is supposed to be perfect, and many other concepts that are too numerous to mention in this post. So they grow up with these ideas in the back of their mind, as that is where many things we learn as little ones are stored i.e. Walking, language. These ideas effect their decision making through their life unless they change their entire way of thinking. One of the big ones is theft of culture. Now I’m sure some of you out there are thinking I’ve lost my mind, but keep reading, and maybe you’ll see it.

In the story of jesus, the very center of CHRISTianity, you have a man that is said to be the one this group of people have been waiting for. But the keepers of knowledge for this people say he is not. In the story, they refer to these people in ways that say they are liars, or in the least ignorant of their own stories. Rezinate spoke about people twisting Mayan and Hopi stories, as well as Lakota and my people, the Cherokee. These new agers change a story to suit their purposes, whether the writers of the books that became the bible did or not I can’t say, I didnt know them, and don’t know the Hebrew stories. The hebrew do though, what do they say about jesus?

Now think about this. A group of outsiders telling this people THEIR OWN STORIES are wrong. Sounds just like these other people that are changing ours, where did they learn this behavior?

Consider the story of Elisha. Where he was passing a town and children made fun of him because he was bald. So Elisha called she bears from the woods to consume them. Ask your local preacher about this, if he went to a seminary, I’ll bet he will say “he was allowed this because he was gods representative on earth”. I’ve never heard in any story fake or otherwise where our medicine men asked bears to eat children for calling them names. Children of the enemy as a blood sacrifice I’ve heard of, but not their own people for calling them names.

Also consider the “infallible word of god”, as my father and uncle put it, contains four accountings of the story of Jesus, all four are different some very different. Now, considering that a child’s mind isn’t filtering and cataloging these stories into “a blue car, red car” scenario, it’s only hearing different things called the same thing. There sponge is absorbing that its ok to have different tellings of the same story.

Now, some of you might say we do the same thing, and you’d be right to an extent. Take the story of the first man and first woman for the Cherokee. Little things might change, but the strawberries are never raspberries. The story always states they argued and she left, and came across the berries creator put in her path, some stories have more berries than others, but the core story is exactly the same, in no accounting told by the Cherokee will you see the man finding the berries. The differences are personal variations, but the story remains the same. IF it is told by Cherokee.

Ask 10 different preachers what turn the other cheek means, and does it just mean one cheek, two cheeks, or just keep turning the cheek. Out of the ten I asked as a boy I got seven different answers. I take it to mean give someone a second chance, because we all lose our temper at times, make poor decisions, believe a lie. But many preachers have told me to keep turning the other cheek. Which sounds to me like what an abused woman does when she takes the man back time and again, and that is never a good thing.

Revelations, I’m still not sure why this is taught so much as there has never been a clear understanding of what it means. Of course none of us are Greek/Hebrew/Egyptian like Rome was at the time, so we may never know what it means. But looking at our stories being stolen and twisted and trying to understand where the enemy lies so you can fight it, this is a part of it.

I can’t possibly tell you the number of variations I heard of the book of revelations, I heard my father alone tell five, each he stated as fact, each different. That is absorbed by the little ones as well, that you can tell one story a thousand different ways and say its fact. Also, there is a self destructive element in the story of revelations, I don’t have a lot to say about that because I’m still trying to figure it out, but one thing I have noticed is the “it’s going to happen, just accept it” mentality, which is also in every end of the world new age story I have read, and I haven’t even scratched the surface.

But through faith, not by works, does a man achieve the glory of heaven, or something along those lines. The ” not by works” part I heard a lot. When pressed a preacher will say it means you cant get into heaven by working alone, you have to believe. But in our way, working for the people is seen as a good thing, working to care for the little ones, Elders, women, widows, believing in creator is just a given.

At ten years old I was given a bible. I wasn’t allowed to watch R rated movies because it had too much cursing, sex, violence, etc. in it. But in the back of the church, reading my bible, I read about children getting eaten by bears, sons getting their fathers drunk and stripping him naked, daughters getting their father drunk and having sex with him, all read from “the infallible word of god”.

But I’ll stop there as this is getting off topic, and close by saying I have known very very good people that were Christians, but they were the exception and far from the rule.

Let’s forget about the Christian aspect for a minute and go to the sometimes atheistic. Academics. Continually various sciences will claim absolutes. Medicine saw heroine cocaine morphine, and so many other drugs as perfectly safe, even for children. Science stated the world was flat and that was an absolute, now they state us coming from apes is fact, an absolute, that too will change.

So many times we see academics claiming an absolute authority to our stories. The same mindset as in the new agers. The same is in the Christians to “witness” to us, the same with the government for our land.

I find it so amazing that conspiracy theorist will rail night and day against the intrusions of the government, yet turn around and do the exact same thing to our stories. Why are their rights being trampled and we are being overly possessive?

I can’t know how it feels to carry and bring a life into this world, neither can someone not of a tribe know what that tribes stories mean.

There is an overwhelming detachment in American society. A lack of knowledge bred by laziness, apathy, impatience. These among other things lead people to look for answers, but not try to find a firm and correct resolution. Anything will do as long as it makes you feel better right now. I got caught up in this too, but I got myself out.

Little is taught on how to actually fix what troubles us, so we get used to not having answers. Nothing is firm, everything always changes. People say that change is hard, but they apparently don’t see that things change around them all the time. The change that people fight is the change that goes against their wants. It takes away a comfort they think they need, and don’t see the harm it causes.

Everything good requires work to achieve it, and everything good is worth fighting for. You don’t win a fight by sitting in front of a television or computer, you can’t eat money, a natural thing is not improved by putting an unatural thing in it, a brawl can be won by being able to take more abuse than your opponent, but a war takes strategy.

If you think a tribe or nation has a good story, go talk to them, and LISTEN. Don’t just hear the words, try your best to understand, if you don’t understand ASK QUESTIONS.

If you are reading say, a Hopi story, on the Internet, or in a book, and it introduces new ideas, how can you ever be more of an expert about those stories than the people that made them? It would be like trying to tell George Lucas about star wars. But so much more in depth than that.

Learn about the culture of your people, if it grabs your heart, let it in, make it yours. When you go looking for your origins, and find very little or nothing there, you might just gain a little understanding of why the nations here fight so hard to hold onto their ways.

Americans live in a society where the next story is right around the corner. In the next book store, online library, tv station, or theater. There’s a serious lack of understanding that comes with that. It goes beyond just tickling the fancy you have at the moment. Sitting and listening to a grandfather tell stories, and know that those stories have been around longer than people can remember, puts you in a timeless place. It connects you to what was, and what will be when you become a grandfather and pass those on. When those stories are your stories, stories of your people, you belong to something bigger, something that goes back before memory. You see you are just a link in a chain, but you are also fixed with a responsibility to make new links.

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